I'm all depressed today. I'm letting myself get consumed by worry about getting a house. There's basically 4 months left until the baby is here. I'll be a useless slug the last month, so let's just say 3 productive months. We've been looking since October....that's 4 months of looking. Once we put a bid on a house, we'll have negotiation time, then time until we close and can take possession. Assuming the house won't need a single thing done to it, it could reasonably be like 2 months from now when we could move in if we put a bid on a house today. There's just not a lot out there and the region we're looking in is soooooo small because we don't want to deal with traffic commuting to work.

Also my husband is on my case about not being realistic about our situation. I want to stay home and be a mom. Likely I'll have to do some kind of part-time freelancing or something to bring in some extra dough. So he's asking what I've decided on, have I looked into it, do I have a plan yet. No i don't. Then I get guilt trips about how all the pressure is on him to bring in money and what if he loses his job. And now he's not going to be able to start his own venture anytime soon. Well, then we just shouldn't have had this baby I guess. Oh, and if we end up renting a house, landlords don't like pets, so our cats are in the way too.

And i'm big as a house and still tired. So I'm just not in a great mood today. I know these things come and go and my situation could be much worse, but it all seems so big right now and doesn't fit into that fairytale dream of what the joyful addition of a baby should be like.

Today marks the half-way point in my pregnancy. It seems incredible that I'm already that far along. It's gone really quickly, and I can only imagine this second half will come even quicker. I'm starting to have panic moments about getting a house in time. We've been looking for a house to buy since October but haven't found the right one yet. I'm worried we won't find one and will have to somehow deal with a baby in our tiny apartment. Worse things could happen, I know, but the thought of dealing with a baby in these cramped quarters makes me shudder. I think my nesting instinct is starting to appear. I really want to have everything all ready for the baby's arrival. I want him to have his own room, with the crib set up and cute little decorations all around. Not with a crib in our room and gifts packed up in boxes for eventual use when we have room, like so many of our wedding gifts.

I hit 15 pounds this week. My friend at work who is due 9 days before me has only gained 7. Yikes! My stomach is really big now. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever when somebody sees me that I'm pregnant. I need to go buy new bras yet again. This is a welcome part of this pregnancy :) but a little annoying at the same time as I'll be ending up with this range of bra sizes that god only knows if I'll ever fit into again. Still, for the first time in my life, I have boobs! (and a larger butt, and some new thighs....hmm.....)

I knew it! It's a boy! I've felt from the beginning for whatever reason that this baby is a boy, and I was right. We had the ultrasound yesterday. The technician didn't say anything and seemed about done. So I asked if we could find out the sex. Apparently she doesn't "go there" or tell anything unless we specifically request it.....whatever....she wasn't exactly the dream ultrasound technician who would have kindly explained all that she was doing, what she was looking at, at least pretended to be excited with us....anyway....So she moved the big sensor thingy around to the baby's legs, which were apart enough to definitely see a certain something there to indicate its boyness. I would be lying if I said I wasn't just momentarily disappointed because I had been wanting a girl. But the bottom line has always been wanting a healthy baby, regardless of the sex. And we'll have 2 kids anyway, so maybe the next one will be a little girl, and she'll be lucky to have a nice protective older brother :-) My husband is definitely excited, even though he professes to not have had a preference. He's already wanting to buy toys, thinking about how they'll play together, etc. It's really pretty funny. I'll write more about the ultrasound later, but wanted to at least say it's a boy!

Dear Baby,
You are now 18-1/2 weeks old. I've been growing with you, battling exhaustion and nausea, watching my body metamorphose into a strange yet natural vessel for you to thrive and develop in. Your father and I have seen you on a sonogram screen, first as a blob of cells at 8-1/2 weeks, then as a tiny baby-like creature at 13 weeks. I've been feeling you move around the last few weeks, but still have no idea who you are.

To this point, you have been an it. Tomorrow (if all goes right) you will gain an identity and thereafter be known as a he or she, and we will narrow down a name for you. The mystery will be over. Some people prefer to preserve the mystery until the day you enter the world. Me, I can't wait to start getting to know you as an individual. Your father says it doesn't matter: you'll still be the same beautiful child whether we know it now or later. But I want to start talking to you, referring to you as an individual instead of an "it".

For some reason I've felt all along that you're a boy. I have no reason why. One more day then that part of your mystery will be unshrouded. Five more months before the rest of the mystery is revealed.

Keep growing and stay healthy. You've got a big fan club already waiting for you to arrive.
Love,
Mom

I was able to breathe a sigh of relief yesterday when I received my weekly email from BabyCenter.com, welcoming me to 18 weeks of pregnancy and telling me about all the stuff going on with my body and the baby. Apparently, I'm on track for the weight gain: "...You've probably gained as many as 14 pounds, most of which is from amniotic fluid, placenta, and water retention" Yay! This morning I'm still at 11 pounds, so I'm not worrying at all now, but man I'm huge. Still, at least people look at me and say, "wow! you're pregnant!" instead of, "oh my! you ate a lot over the holidays!" Granted, I still have some extra hail damage appearing that is definitely not part of the placenta...

I'm starting to worry that I'm gaining too much weight. So far (18 weeks/4+ months) I've gained 11-12 pounds. In the first trimester, the typical person gains about 5 pounds, then in the second trimester you're supposed to gain about a pound a week. That would put me around 9-10, which is perfectly within normal I suppose. But I look huge for how far along I am, plus I have lots of poundage that's gone to places other than my belly {one place definitely my chest :-D }. I guess I shouldn't worry about it. All along I said I wasn't going to stress over weight gain. The only thing that accomplishes is added stress on the baby, which certainly isn't healthy. This is the time where I can have that Krispy Kreme (or 2) and not care about looking a bit bigger because I have an excuse. It's just starting to hit me though that post-baby, I'll have some extra poundage to shed. And again, that's normal. I suppose I'm writing this just to talk it out and reassure myself that I'm perfectly fine. I think part of it is that I haven't excercised more than twice since before getting pregnant. So I know there's been some settling that even without the pregnancy and with eating normally I would have noticed a bit more hail damage.

One good thing though is that I'm going to a yoga class tonight here at work. The on-site gym offers all sorts of classes and I've read about how beneficial yoga can be during the pregnancy and during labor. I've never tried it before. I had a mini-dilema this morning with clothes: I can't comfortably fit in my lycra shorts anymore (I knew my regular shorts were out, but lycra is more forgiving). So i had to borrow some shorts from my husband. I'll be looking very stylish alongside the other girls. Plus my husband sort of dug into me again this morning about not exercising, like I needed to hear that again. He means well, but it doesn't help.

I've been feeling the baby fluttering around more regularly. Can't wait to feel an actual arm or leg moving around (although I know once that starts, I'll be regretting that statement).

My co-worker found out yesterday she's having a boy. We go for our ultrasound next Monday, Jan. 13. I'm very excited for that. Hopefully the baby cooperates and gives us a nice view of the pertinent region. I'm dying to know. There is absolutely no way in hell I could leave it to a surprise at birth. I. MUST. KNOW. I can't stand the suspense! We've been talking about names and are definitely narrowing in on some, but nothing solid yet (except for the girl's middle name---Elizabeth----my middle name and my best friend's name. Oh, and if it's a boy, the first name will start with an "A"---my husband is an A, his father was an A, grandfather an A, great-grandfather an A. I don't think all of that was by choice, but I think it's a cool thing to continue. Just no Junior.

We've been house-hunting and getting very frustrated. Houses in the Bay Area are soooooo expensive and so small and crappy. We finally decided to try a townhouse or condo. We can get more interior space, which is what we need, for the money. So I won't have my garden that I've dreamed of since the age of 13. I won't have a backyard for my children to play in. I'll most likely share walls with annoying neighbors who play Eminem until 3am. But at least we won't be all asses and elbows inside, and in the end, that's the most important part.

I'm back from a little holiday break. My husband and I spent the week with my family in Kansas City and even got a little snow. Mom took me shopping for maternity clothes. What an adventure! I felt a little funny walking into the Motherhood Maternity store as I'm not big as a house yet, but I just couldn't comfortably fit into regular clothes any longer.

Upon entering the store, you're struck with a "ok, where do I start?" sort of mentality. How do they size things? I'll tell you how: very inconsistently. Some pants are the normal 6-8-10-12 sizing. Others are S-M-L-XL. So i started with the jeans. The styles of how they accomplish the whole maternity thing differ. Some have big front panels that come up over your belly, and either have a drawstring or elastic. Others are so-called "low-rise", with a 2-inch tall elastic band running around the top of the pants. Supposedly they sit under your big belly, not over it. They scared me a bit, so I stuck with the big panel style and grabbed a couple of those, some khaki's and some black pants, plus a few shirts. Off to the dressing rooms.

Here's where it gets weird. In the dressing room is a sort of pillow with velcro straps. You can put this around you to simulate an extra 4 months. Wow. That's all I can say.

So I start trying on the jeans. Apparently some of this weight I've gained has deposited itself into my thighs. I have some saddlebags that refuse to fit into what I would normally fit into. I send mom out for the next size up. For one style of black pants I actually ended up with XL after starting with medium. Go figure. Anyway, $115 later, we're stocked with 3 pairs of pants, a dress, and a couple of shirts. Not bad really. And i'm sooooo comfy now :)

The family was all extra-excited about the pending addition. Everyone asked questions and gave advice. We got a couple of early presents for the baby: a cute stuffed lion, some Burt's Bees lotions & shampoos for babies, and a sort of quilted advent calendar that has little animals in pouches for each of the days (you take the animal out of the day pouch and put it into a larger pouch at the bottom...it's really cute). I ate way too much and gained 2 pounds. I'm supposed to be gaining a pound a week right now anyway, so I guess it's not too bad. But I'm definitely poochy now, especially with the maternity pants that don't hold you in, like my husband's jeans were doing.

I've decided that the fluttering I felt 12/17 was definitely movement as I'm feeling the same thing much more often now. It's weird---feels like I'm being tickled from the inside. But if I put my hand there, I can't feel a thing. And my belly button is starting to flatten out a bit. It's still indented, but definitely not as deep as it used to be. It's starting to get real folks...